the world revolving

doesnt mean its revolving around me… something i have been stuck on, always turning back and focusing all my energy inward when theres so much to see and do outside. tiffany helped me to realize this, she pointed it out, and i continued for nearly an hour about myself and of course that further proved her point. we all have moments of self-absorbtion, but mine are frequent and create most of the frustration and depression i feel. deep down inside i want to do good but not for its own sake. my mind is shifting now, im realizing how even my own thoughts are misleading. do i humble myself just to recieve praise? do i seek approval of others in everything that i do? must i always talk about myself to make a point?

things are changing, i can feel it. and she is there for me, but i really need to be there for her too. she is not my perception of her, she is not my projections of self doubt. this is why its hard to truly love someone. i have to forget about myself for a little while. she is teaching me more about myself than I ever imagined. we need to be there for each other, showing each other things that are off, places where we have difficulty functioning. this is a hard time for her, maybe the hardest she will have for quite some time and i need to be fully aware of her to truly be there. idealization is my greatest struggle in reaching her. i need to cast that all aside and focus on what really matters.

i’m taking a vacation from myself for awhile. i dont know where im going but im packed and ready. she will be there with me. i am sure of that. and i will be there with her, without those insecurities that keep me in the cycle of self-absorbtion.

thats what friends are for

in good times and bad times, sometimes at the same time.

say a prayer for tiffany’s grandmother who passed away earlier this morning. say another for her family who misses her dearly.

life is good, except having to deal with death, which is hard. even if it is not within my own family, i feel as if it is. i love you and i am here for you. you have gone through a lot and i can only empathize with your situation. even thought we may not see each other every day, we think of each other every second. yes, this is mushy but i like being mushy.

band is going good… we’re optimistic and ready to create and tickle the minds of all those we can reach. i love those guys. they are my true friends (and ray too cause he went with me all the way to victorville and still came out for the show in LB, which meant so much that he might never know)

design is going good. im getting better at it, everyday, striving to do one step beyond what i normally challenege myself to do.

i am happy and mournfull in the same breath. it is an odd feeling, but one that keeps me grounded and makes me realize how much i have and how much i love.

when the going gets tough

the tough get tougher. or something like that…. however I am at work before 9 because my boss finally said something about me being 20 minutes late everyday. I love to push it to the limits. Why is that?

Also, Im supposed to produce something for Lagotek today but I do not have the energy after spending three hours yesterday messing with IE hacks to get my navigation to look right in both browsers…. undoubtedly its fucked in safari and opera, but i really dont care about those. I still have a mountain of work on that and probably will not start climbing the upper slopes until this weekend…. but then, as they say, its all downhill.

I am going to lug my keyboard up to my room today so that I can record some loops to be used in flash. Whats the point of being both a musician and a web designer if I dont put some music into my design. Also, I want to start thinking about the new TLM site as that is my next big project.

Its been many days since I’ve seen her and my love does not even begin to falter. I miss her dearly but know that she is doing the right thing. The only thing that upsets me is that I cannot console her now that she is sad. If only I could just be there to give her a hug… but perhaps that might draw more tears from her eyes…. Im not sure, I know this time apart is probably for the best, and we talk at least three times a day. But its been hard on both of us and I share her loss as if it were my own.

I love you.

it was a bad day

yesterday was a bad day. tiffany’s grandfather died, chase’s friend died, and it seemed that everything was crashing around us. i was driving away from the studio at 1 am, trying to escape the day before. But it was like running away from the half lit moon, no matter how hard you try it was still there when you turned around. I stared over a speckled horizon of orange street lights and found the moon still staring at me and asking me why? I had no real answers, and scratched my head feverishly but nothing came out. I was looking for some prophetic saying, an old adage that could soothe my soul and provide me with even a second of solace. The only saying that came to my head was “It is as it is”. That does not help much, nor can it console the grief that those close to me are feeling, but for a brief moment it gave me comfort. A good friend told me to not be comofortable, but I cant help but search for something warm to grasp onto when the tiffany is sad. Our lives are so deeply intertwined and I do not know how to tell her how deeply I understand her situation. I can feel her pain as if it were my own. I know that she is strong (far stonger than me) and she will help her family get through this hard time.

I don’t know what it was about the moon last night that scared me. I could not ask for a better existence than the one I have. Yet, I always find myself running from the beautiful life I have as if there is a better one waiting ahead. Its hard to be comfortable, and my dear friend was pointing that out. But I have to find comfort in the half lit moon knowing that as far as I try to run, something beautiful, my life, is there when I turn around. And even after it sets into the murky depths of a smog filled horizon, it is the memory of it that will give me peace of mind.