doesnt mean its revolving around me… something i have been stuck on, always turning back and focusing all my energy inward when theres so much to see and do outside. tiffany helped me to realize this, she pointed it out, and i continued for nearly an hour about myself and of course that further proved her point. we all have moments of self-absorbtion, but mine are frequent and create most of the frustration and depression i feel. deep down inside i want to do good but not for its own sake. my mind is shifting now, im realizing how even my own thoughts are misleading. do i humble myself just to recieve praise? do i seek approval of others in everything that i do? must i always talk about myself to make a point?
things are changing, i can feel it. and she is there for me, but i really need to be there for her too. she is not my perception of her, she is not my projections of self doubt. this is why its hard to truly love someone. i have to forget about myself for a little while. she is teaching me more about myself than I ever imagined. we need to be there for each other, showing each other things that are off, places where we have difficulty functioning. this is a hard time for her, maybe the hardest she will have for quite some time and i need to be fully aware of her to truly be there. idealization is my greatest struggle in reaching her. i need to cast that all aside and focus on what really matters.
i’m taking a vacation from myself for awhile. i dont know where im going but im packed and ready. she will be there with me. i am sure of that. and i will be there with her, without those insecurities that keep me in the cycle of self-absorbtion.